The Thing I Used to Love

I have an empty head while writing this. Why am I doing this? 

My dear Magnolia, i like my shadow. It always seems better than me.

It's me, but not me at all. Pretty funny, isn't it?

Actually, my magnolia, I'm a little lonely.

Aren't we all are?

I'm a little sad because remembered the meaning behind my name.

What about you? Is there something that you thought was nothing but when you think about it, it makes you sad?

I supposedly have a brother.

But he died at 2, a tragic short story.

My family grieved after that.

For years.

He's loved, let me tell you that.

And I was born.

Ending all the grieved my parent had.

They showering me loves so I don't sick.

But with that, i feel guilty for having my parent's love.

So I want to be a good sibling to my sister.

I don't want to bother her, I love her so much.

But I knew that my love will never be received.

Because it's not the same love from my parent.

But sister, our parent love you too. So much.

I hope she will receive my love, really.

It's dramatic, isn't it?

Magnolia, I love my name. Really.

I love it even more when I knew it's about my brother.

Because since I was a child, I was told about how great he is as a child.

And I also think so, if I were a parent and have a child like him, how happy I would be?

Losing him was probably like a small apocalypse for my mom. 

I used to think so.

I love my name because of my brother that i never see.

But now? I can't say so without thinking about it twice.

You know, parent usually give their children a name that they hope about.

But what about me?

My name means Aura [Brother]

Am i supposed to love it now?

It's burdening me.

A lot of negative what if filled my head.

And I got tired because of it.

I'm tiring myself because of these thoughts.

Funnily enough, I can't stop it.

So I just let it fill my head and cry.

Cry, cry, and cry.

Until all of my tears dried.

Because I'm just a shadow of my own.

And funnily enough, I can't hate it.